On closets, revolving doors and the exhausting and never-ending requirement to constantly have to explain yourself, help others to feel less threatened and to shift the conversations to what we share, as opposed to how we are different.

She comes out (simple present)

She is coming out (present continuous)

She has come out (present perfect)

She has been coming out (present perfect continuous)

She came out (simple past)

She was coming out (past continuous)

She had come out (past perfect)

She had been coming out (past perfect continuous)

She will come out (simple future)

She will be coming out (future continuous)

She will have come out (future perfect)

She will have been coming out (future perfect continuous)

The phrasal verb come out conjugated in all twelve English tenses.

He’s a closet. Skeletons in the closet. Come out of the closet. Closet queen. Closet dyke. What strange metaphors for describing the process that non-heterosexual people must endure every time their sexuality is made public – whether by choice or imposition. I understand the varied etymology of the terms, their changes in meaning over time, particularly in relation to the shift from shame to liberation, but what I find curious is how little has really changed.

“Why does it matter?” “Your sexuality does not define you!” “It’s just not an issue any more!”

It is difficult to explain to people who are heterosexual why the statements above, while honourable in their intention, do not match the lived experience of people who are not heterosexual. I have lost track of the number of times a well-meaning heterosexual person has tried to explain to me why it “shouldn’t be an issue” or “why does it matter?” or “you can get married now!”. It is difficult to explain the difference in meaning and result if they are saying that to someone who already believes that to be true, as opposed to those who don’t want it ever to be true. The second group are significant, pervasive and hold great power. For example, religious organisations in Australia have a legal exemption to the discrimination act and can refuse my employment based entirely on my sexuality.

When these “it doesn’t matter” statements are said in my company, I sometimes try and explain why these statements are untrue in the daily lives of queer folk, but like all important things, there is no simple explanation. A conversation is required, where together you can pull apart the myths and help someone understand the complexity of the facts. It takes time. Explaining the history and present realities of otherness to someone who has lived their life as homogenous, requires patience and persistence.

What is demonstrated when someone wants to make the claim “it’s just not an issue anymore” is a complete lack of understanding of what it means to be looked upon as other.

The critical truths that get missed in these “that’s all in the past” statements are many.

Here are just a few:

• heterosexual people never need to come out
• heterosexuality is considered the norm which implies that those who are not, are not normal, are abnormal, are other
• the terms gay and lesbian are still associated with perversion – or at least a suspicion of such
• heterosexual people often make the mistake that the non-heterosexual person might be attracted to them – mostly this is a source of private amusement for me, other times, it’s deeply offensive

I am not embarrassed or ashamed by my non-heterosexuality. I am however required to be wary and vigilant, ready to manage the unpleasant, aggressive, dismissive, violent and mean reactions of other people to the fact that I am here.

Faggot. Fag. Lezzo. Poof. Gay. Fairy. Dyke. While lesbians and gays around the world have reclaimed many of these words, there is a significant difference in meaning, intent and impact when we consider who is doing the saying. These (and other) words are used on a daily basis in the school yard, on sporting fields, in workplaces with the express aim of putting someone down. Of creating fear. Of ensuring that the status quo of hetero good, homo bad is maintained. When said with the intention of hate, when spoken with venom, with some key expletives used as adjectives, they cause great harm. That is their intention.

Language matters. Words carry history and consequence. Changing our culture from one of fear, hate, violence and exclusion will take the dedicated work of more people than have currently signed up for the task.

No one who is same sex attracted has the luxury of just that one time using the simple past conjugation and then getting on with the rest of their lives, never having to explain themselves again. And no one who is heterosexual ever has to come out at all. It is an assumed fact. No closets, no explanations and no confessions required.

I come out every time I walk down the street holding my lover’s hand. I am coming out again when I start my new job. I have come out so many times I’ve lost count. I have been coming out over and over and over again my whole life. I came out for the first time when I was 15. I was coming out to a friend to gauge her response. I had come out just to her, but she told everyone in our group – she thought she was doing me a favour. She wasn’t. I had been [planning on] coming out to some other friends but decided against it after hearing one of them say disgusting fucking lesbians in relation to some other girls. When I turned 16, I left home and moved to the other side of the city. I will come out again tomorrow at the hardware shop – it’s my haircut, dead giveaway. I will be coming out for the rest of my life. I will have come out perhaps ten thousand times by the time I die. I will have been coming out so often as a form of self-protection against the expectation that I should be ashamed when I am not.

Dani Burbrook © 2026

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